this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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