I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
