On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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