I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
