I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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