We're facebook friends in real life
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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