I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
