I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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