hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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