I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
