i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
