Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
