I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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