I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
