her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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