He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
