I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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