my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
