Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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