My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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