I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
