I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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