after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
