I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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