Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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