Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
