Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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