yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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