Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
