i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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