1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
