u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
