I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I've blown a few things in my day
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
