found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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