Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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