so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
