The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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