Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
