I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
