where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
