Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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