I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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