the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
