If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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