Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
