She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
