awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
