NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
