i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
