i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
