i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
