see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
