i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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