i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
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she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
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I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize