At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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