Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
