wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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