a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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