Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.