i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number