i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas