I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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