Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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